before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
