currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
