90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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