Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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