meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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