i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My ass is underappreciated
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
