1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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