Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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