gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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