My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
