FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
