My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
