You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
