there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
