New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is Oprah even human
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
