what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
this is an emotional support booty call
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
