i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
