never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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