I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
