She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
