I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
