The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
