Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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