apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
