I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
