battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
