i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
