so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
