i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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