I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
