Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
