last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
