My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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