We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
