I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
