While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
