Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
