Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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