Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
