last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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