Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Duck Duck Cougar?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I understand Curling. That high.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
