this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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