I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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