the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
