She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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