i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
