why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
