You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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