somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
