Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They have beer where we have blood.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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